I have no idea what to do. I had a real gut check today and started thinking about things, so I figured I would put them down on the blog. I had another brutal session today; I didn’t win a single hand where I was ahead when all the money went in. I never have any sessions of losses under $500, it’s always more, and today was the same. The one time I lost a $400 pot, was to a next to impossible laydown, KK vs AA. I am starting to wonder about the online rooms Random Number Generators, I have been running like this for almost 30K hands now, and making small earnings. I have had KK run into AA at least eight times in the last two weeks, its probably happened to me live twice in my whole life! Now, I am not saying online is rigged, but looking at my earnings, it just doesn’t make any sense, for every losing session of live play I have, I come back with 5 winning, For every losing session I have of online play, I come back with 1 MAYBE 2 winning sessions. Now, maybe it is because I am a much better live player than online, I pick up loads of tells, and the action seems to be MUCH looser. But you would think that mutli-tabling would make up for this? I am also STILL running god awful in tourneys, naturally today the two biggest pots I get involved in, have me pushing AA preflop, only to lose to KJ and Q9. I wouldn’t mind if I were getting the money in bad, and was getting outplayed by my opponents, but it’s the opposite, it isn’t even hard to outplay players these days, yet they suckout on me so much. Now I expect a suckout or two, but whenever I get sucked out on, its always in a big pot, I got outdrawn 9 times today in two hours, the smallest of those pots was $102, and the largest was $490. Maybe it feels like it’s just the big pots; because those are the only pots that seem to really upset me when I lose. It’s like the saying in Rounders “Most players can recall every detail about the outstanding bad beats they’ve been handed, but I can barely remember how I built my bankroll.”
I know this is what I want to do for a living, and I know I am good enough to do it, I have never had a losing year playing poker, since I started keeping records, freshmen year of college, but it is so emotionally draining, maybe it is because I moved out to Vegas too early and after having one rough month, am stuck playing at a limit with a very small bankroll, or maybe it is the fact that getting outdrawn in 1 or 2 large pots a day, can turn an $600 win into a $200 loss. These seemingly never ending bad beats are enough to put me into a mental institution, but on the other side of the coin, when I am having a good day and things are going, as they should, I am the happiest person alive, always in a good mood, and not stressed out. I have a whopping $1000 left in the bankroll, and hopefully this variance turns upside soon, or else I am going to have to do what stresses me out more than anything, get a job.
I am extremely uneasy about my situation right now, not because I may not make bills at the end of the month (I know I’ll make those), but because I don’t want to get a job, I like having the freedom to make my own hours, I like being able to golf 4 times a week, I like working out at noon, I like sleeping until 11, I know this is the lifestyle I want to live for now, I just wish I had a large enough bankroll for these swings, and wish it didn’t bother me so much. Now I know what they meant when they said “hard way to make an easy living”
Just thought I’d get all my thoughts down, and give you a look into what its like to be a poker professional on an extreme downside of variance.

-Bakken